Tag: Self-discovery

Tumbling back up the rabbit hole…


Danny Elfman | MySpace | IMDB

I had two books with me on the plane: The Picture of Dorian Gray and Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass. I felt this was appropriate as both books deal with the self-realization of their respective main characters. Dorian Gray finds a new world within himself, where beauty leads to morbid terrors, and Alice finds herself in a new world, beauty in terrorizing morbidness. Both are ultimately set free, in a manner of speaking.

I made the recent impromptu trip to Hawaii partially in an attempt to find myself. Self-identity was something I struggled with continuously in college: the dilemma of living in California while having grown up in Hawaii. In visiting home, I felt like I had no claim to either place because I really had claim to both. I would dream, then, of living on a boat, traveling from port to port, existing between worlds and having loyalties to none. It’s amazing how lost one feels when one doesn’t know where “home” really is. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, which in turn made me unsure of who I was.

I’m very thankful now for being quite certain that San Francisco is my home. I’m even more thankful for all the good friends I’ve made since. And while there’s a soul to Hawaii that could never be replicated here (I always forget how beautiful the beach is at night when all the stars are clearly visible), there’s enough wonder and discovery to more than make up for it in other ways.

I found my apartment as I left it weeks ago. It was at once familiar and foreign to me as the underside of my palm, a familiarity committed to feeling but never noticed until actually thought of. It stood as if frozen in time, though I had changed and experienced so much since. I suppose mine was a combination of the adventures of Dorian and Alice, where I rediscovered aspects of myself by both delving deep within and tumbling, tumbling away…

Audioslave – "Be Yourself" / Engaging in Self-discovery

I don’t normally subscribe to astrological predictions, but I’ve always been entertained by Rob Brezsny’s Free Will Astrology and how his writing always seems so on-point with what I’m going through at a given time in life:

Some people are here on the planet to find success, while others are here to find themselves. In the big scheme of things, I’m not sure which category you fit into, Taurus. But I’m pretty sure that for the next few weeks you’ll be best served by acting as if you’re the latter. Even if you think you’ve found yourself pretty completely in the past, it’s time to go searching again: There are new secrets to be discovered, in large part because you’re not who you used to be. So for now at least, I encourage you to give your worldly ambitions a bit of a rest as you intensify your self-explorations.

The associated image he provides is that of a tribal king with the words “Control Freak” over it. Great.

But questioning the accuracies in astrology aside, his writing couldn’t be more appropriate. Lately, in focusing on particular areas of my life and things I wanted to achieve, I feel I’ve neglected the lifestyle balance that makes a person healthy and sane.

While most people know what I’m up to with Festizio (Red Devil Lounge show and radio appearance *cough cough*), here are some of my non-band exploits:

1.) Went barrel tasting again this past weekend. This time in the Livermore Valley.

2.) Going to a photo shoot for Fifth Floor, one of the city’s fanciest restaurants.

3.) Starting a creative project about San Francisco with Alex Hisaka and Helena Price.

4.) Studying Italian again. Maybe I’ll start playing video games too…

So, in an effort to learn more about myself and how I can exist in the world as an optimal human being, I’m giving myself more time to breathe and more opportunity to seek out new forms of adventure. In other words, I’m relaxing the focus so my peripheral vision can take in a few more things that make the world a beautiful place. Maybe, in the process, I can find what it is that makes me beautiful too.

Someone swears his true love until the end of time. Another runs away…

And to be yourself is all that you can do.